My spare moments lately have all been spent packing up our apartment. This whole lease-for-a-year lifestyle is not really something I'd like to continue. In fact, I am so over that whole leasing thing. For now, Daniel and I have decided to hold off on signing another lease and are moving in with his parents! This month has been crazy hectic. Even now, with one week to go before I have to have my apartment empty and spotless, I'm headed out for the weekend to visit my brothers in Rockport before they go back to Slovakia. You know me, I like to keep things moving! Never a dull moment.
Being home alone, packing up boxes has not been a bad experience altogether. I've had my moments of looking around and feeling overwhelmed with how little I've accomplished after packing for 5 hours straight, but I just take a few deep breaths and get back to work. Besides my mini panic attacks, I've had a lot of time to pray and reflect on life as it is today and what the Lord is doing in my marriage and spiritual life. My mind has been a scattered mess the last few months. In fact, I've felt like a vacuous ditz when it comes to thinking seriously or intelligently about anything. When I've had moments of opportunity to stop and be silent or to pray, I've opted for flicking on the television or popping open the laptop and busying my mind with silly things. I'm realizing more and more the importance of finding quiet time. Time to "cease striving" and know that God is who He says He is. I know, I know...this is obvious. I'm a stubborn girl!
I've been thinking a lot lately about complacency. This was brought to the forefront of my mind after reading a friend's blogpost about her own struggles with "needing" God in times of relative peace. Over the weekend I also spoke about it with Daniel's Aunt Carol (I always have such fruitful conversations with her). She and her husband are walking in the light of Christ; it is apparent in all that they do. Never have I met two more tender, loving, selfless people in my life, and I mean that. Yet, she told me, they often find themselves facing the pitfalls of complacency. I feel like I have been right there lately. My prayer life and quiet times have felt dry and empty, and I've been looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. It is so easy to do this! I find myself being satisfied with finding my identity in being a good wife or a good housekeeper or friend or bookkeeper. That's all just fine until I mess up. And I always do. And then I am left feeling empty and bereft, being humbled by how much I lack. I wonder, what am I doing here? Whatever made me think I could do this?
Eventually the Lord calls to me quietly, He beckons me: Cease striving and know that I am God.
My heart is full today, refreshed from the time I spent praying and pondering last night and this morning. Although the idea of having to pack up the apartment alone was depressing me yesterday morning, I am thanking the Lord for the time He's given me through this situation. He knew exactly what I needed. He always does.